Welcome To My Emotional Journey

I shouldn't care, but I do... what do you do when your trust issues come full force all at once? it's not his fault, but it is. he's the one that didn't talk to me, and felt like he was avoiding me for 4 days. he pretty much came right out and called himself an asshole. so what now?? i don't want flowers and i don't want an apology. i just want to feel needed and wanted. what's wrong with that?

Current Mood: disappointed

I'm going to pull a "Brenda".... don't expect to make sense of it ;-)

Horny (so what else is new!)
I did it!
I need to call her back.
Frustrated, wishing I didn't have to deal with it
I want one! maybe sometime this month or next
Scared, I don't want it to come
Thankful (you know who you are)
Looking forward to this weekend, it'll be nice to get out
Still regretting it, but know that it was right
i feel bad, but glad that it's all working out
i need more sleep
i hope everything's ok with her
i need to clean
hmm... that probably needs watering
i suppose i'll deal with just being friends, probably for the best
I just watched KERMIT! :-D

well.... i think that's it for now! time for bed

Current Mood: random

So I just found out that my cat back home died. :-( They've been letting the cats go outside because it's summer and they wanted to keep them off the new rug. Well it was dark and mom didn't see her, and she accidently got ran over.... :`-(
I loved that cat...

Half-n-Half

(I know... crazy name for a cat, but hey, I was like 5 when I named her!)

Current Mood: sad

Heh... so I was talking to Brenda on the phone last night, and she says "Oo! I feel like you. I just farted, in case you needed to know." HAHAHA :-) It made for a good laugh. I think the funniest part is her farting made her think of me! :-)

So I think I wanna buy a GPS. I'm not sure what kind I want yet, but I'm sick of not knowing the area and not knowing my way around. Plus I travel so much that it's pretty much worth it anyway.

Speaking of travelling, I have scheduled a trip to go to Rochester in a week and a half. I haven't seen Eggs in a while, and I just need some time away. So it's perfect! Then the next weekend after that is Matt's party, so I'm gonna go home for that and see lots of old friends! (Anybody reading this that wants to go, let me know! ;-) ) It's lots of travelling, but it's not like I took a summer vacation or anything. So it's ok as far as I'm concerned.

I cleaned out my fridge this morning! (It was GROSS!! Definitely some things growing in that sucker...) Heh, it was one of those "hold-your-breath-while-you-take-the-cover-off" deals. Yeah, we all know I'm not Sally Homemaker by any means. I mean seriously, I'm proud of myself when I make my bed! :-P

Anyone seen previews for "The Brothers Grimm"?? I think it looks pretty good! Comes out August 26th! I won't be able to go opening night due to travels. But I wanna see it! Besides, you never really wanna go opening night, cuz there's gonna be WAY too many people. So who wants to go with me?? ;-)

Current Mood: crampy

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel, how to think, what to think of myself...

I know I need to do this, I just don't know how. How do you make something you feel so horrible about sound ok to someone else? I just don't get it. It's scary, and I don't know what to do. It's my first chance in a long time, and I don't wanna screw it up by freaking the person out. But it's unfair to not tell the person what he/she is getting into. Is it ok that I still feel damaged? Like there's something wrong that I just can't quite fix. And it just won't go away. I just have to make sure that I don't bury myself in worry, self-doubt, and depression.... again.........

On an upside I think I want to get a dog! I'm tired of being by myself. I want the companionship. And maybe it might just get my butt off the couch! ;-) I'm way too lazy. Not one of those little accidently-step-on-it-yipper-dogs (aka small dogs - ex. chihuaua or poodle) (no offense) but maybe a medium dog like a terrier or a spaniel. Eh... we'll see. :-)

Current Mood: contemplative

Just had a GREAT weekend!! :-) Brenda came up around 11:30 yesterday. She stayed til about 2:30 pm this afternoon. We went shopping for household items that I wanted opinions on before I bought, shoes for my outfit for Kevin's graduation, and DVD's I shouldn't have bought. Yesterday we went to lunch at Don Pablo's (mmm... Mexican) and had Pizza and rice for dinner (what a combination!!) We watched three movies (Brenda saw... most of them). But she was sooo wiped, so it's understandable. Heh... this morning we were both so nutty!! hehehe.... FIC DIC ;-) And what did we buy when we were at Bed Bath & Beyond??? a huge chocolate bar :-D hehe... just getting it through the cashier's line and paying for it was an adventure!

I've also decided that it's bullshit that I'm not happy, and that I should figure out why I'm not and change it. So I'm going to. I've started going out on dates. (Gone on one, gonna set up another one soon) I'm just trying to meet new people. And so what if I don't end up with them. My goal is to get myself out there. I'll never know if I don't try. Second, I'm cutting way back on the sex. I need to focus on other things, and I need to have will power to do them. It'll take a couple "oopsies" and probably a couple "i didn't mean to do that again" before I manage to achieve this particular goal, but it'll happen. :-) I think I need this, and I want this. My self-confidence has taken a beating... and I want it back.

Current Mood: determined
Current Music: Harry Potter 2

backrub??? anyone???

sitting up straight during band is killing my back :-P

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: Kill Bill, Vol. 1

well... the cat i was watching left on Monday. So now it's time to clean. :-p All of the dishes got done Monday, so now all I have left to do in the kitchen is rinse out all the empty bottles so they can be recycled, and clean out all the "dead" things in the fridge. Next I have to wash EVERYTHING: clothes, towels, sheets, blankets, etc. And on top of that, vacuuming, wet-jetting, and sweeping will also be required. Heh, those of you that know me, know that these things WILL NOT get done in one or even two days! O:-) I'm gonna try and spread it out over a week (or two...).

I've also been in the process of buying up some of the CDs that I don't have the originals of. I've gotten a new office (which means an actual DESK!! YAY!!) but on that floor, you can't have an mp3 player, but you can have a CD player/Radio. The only catch is that you can only listen to pre-recorded CDs. Soooo, lots of buying on my part, but it's actually not too bad. The only "ouch" ones was when I purchased Rent and Les Mis at the same time... both 2-disk sets... both $30 a piece. Yeah... :-P

Well that's it for now! :-)

Current Mood: flirty
Current Music: Server Fans

WEEEEE!!!!!

Yeah, that's right, I said it... "Wee". Any problems with that??? ::gives threatening glance::

WEEEEE!!!!! :-D O:-)

hehehehehehe.... yeah.... fun mood, can ya tell?? :-D

Current Mood: goofy

Ok so i got to see Star Wars last night!! :-D The closest description I can think of is "a kid in a candy store." I was sooooo incredibly giddy when Anakin started to go bad. I'm pretty sure I might've even been bouncing in my seat. :-D I realize that it's a "bad event" and I wasn't supposed to be happy, but I couldn't help it! Ok, so what if I am a Star Wars geek... O:-) They're good movies, so I don't care. I'm happy. And now I must wait the 6+ months for the DVD to come out :-P.

Oh yeah, by the way.... I RECOMMEND SEEING IT!!! :-D

Current Mood: bouncy

Ok, for those who care, I'm much better than my last post ;-)

Anyways, I currently have a cat in my apartment (Sshhh... don't tell my landlords! They'd make me pay an extra $400 security deposit, even though I'm only watching the thing for 2 weeks! I just don't think it's worth it.) But back to the cat, it's Scott's. He needed someone to watch Pudge for a couple weeks while he was in Arizona with his mom, and his usual people were both on leave in New York. So I get him :-D The first day and a half was a little crazy, but he has since gotten used to his surroundings and warmed up quite nicely. It's nice to have the company, although the 5:30 AM meowing I could've done without. ;-)

Boys are dumb. And drunk and emotional boys are even worse. 'Nuf said.

I'm not sure what I'm doing for Memorial Day weekend. I got invitied to Rochester for a party, but I don't know if I'll do that, or just stay home. We'll see. :-) I am probably going to go home the weekend before that for my sister's birthday. So that should be nice.

Ok, well I'm out of things to talk about, until next time! ;-)

Current Mood: indifferent
Current Music: Server Fans

~~when you're lonely... getting forgotten just makes it worse...~~

EDIT:
FUCK IT, FUCK HIM, I don't care anymore...

ok, I feel sooooo much better. I just had a nice long chat with a girl that i thought hated my guts. It turns out that it was just a big misunderstanding. So we're all good... and I can talk to my friend again (if he still wants to). :-D YAY!!!! And she feels better that she knows my deal. Which is also good! So I'm glad that things are finally worked out between us. She said that Jon didn't know she was talking to me. I hope he'll be ok with it. I'm sure it shouldn't be too big of a deal. (hopefully). So that's my good news! :-) Everything between the two of us is worked out. And I feel better.

Current Mood: happy
Current Music: Green Day - Wake Me Up When September Ends

FredFest was highly enjoyable. :-D Drinking was had and friends were saw. And where else would you see mud wrestling in a kiddie pool outside when it's been cold and sprinkling/raining off and on all day. Heh... good ol' Fredonia! Lessee... my 3 days compiled of:

Seeing lots of people (old & new)... to name a few:
(Matt, Craig, Kelly, Dave, Ingrid, Steve-o, Christine, Karen, Jon, Ann, Eggs, Wes, Clement, Money, Ashley, Steve, Merle, Jonahan, Frankie, Carissa, Chris, Allen, Locke, Jeff)

Playing Bust-A-Move :-D

Drinking in numerous places:
(Townhouse, Eagle St. Houses, Heenan's, 131)

Setting off my own car alarm because it had reset itself and then trying to find out where the "clicker" had fallen to turn it off, because I couldn't find it. (The alarm must've repeated about 4 or 5 times... yeah, I'm talented)

Sleeping in 3 different locations all 3 nights! (And an actual bed on the 3rd!)

Cuddling

Sexual interaction

Yeah... i think i'm a fan of numbers 6 & 7 best :-D (I can't help it!) hehehe...

All-in-all it was a good time. Everyone take care! Hopefully I'll see everyone soon.

Current Mood: horny
Current Music: The Wiz - So You Wanted To See The Wizard

Ok, so all-in-all I'm really looking forward to going to Fredfest. It's gonna be a blast! :-D There'll be one down-side, though. I'm really hesitant on the fact that the "she-bitch" and/or the "guy who blew me off", also known as Jon, will be there. I mean I haven't talked to them since the whole thing went down. I've had no reason to. She doesn't want me to, and he agreed, so I just let it go. But what if we run into each other. Will he even say hi?? Should I say hello back?? Will she not even let him stick around long enough to mutter a measly hello?? Or maybe she'll get so furious she'll do one of those flying matrix kicks at my head. I can picture it now. We all know as much as I would like to be, I'm not the kind of person that can easily write-off friends. And if I saw him, even though I haven't talked to him in about 6 months, I would say hi. Whether or not he would is up to him. I would hope he would at least attempt it. It would help lessen my "lack of spine" theory. There are sooooo many things I would love to say... but we all know I won't say them. Eh... here's hoping everything goes fine and I don't have to deal with any drama. Cheers! ::clinks glasses together::

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Server Fans

Ooookkkkk... let's see...

I LOVE MY PIANO!!! (no, no pictures yet, but soon!) I am usually playing it all the time. Good thing I have headphones, tho, cuz otherwise my neighbors would probably get a little ticked! ;-)

I'm going home this weekend for Maple Fest. Should be a good time. It's also my parents' birthdays, but I don't have a present yet... not sure what to get them. Hmm... I'll have to think about it. My 2 aunts and my 2 youngest cousins on my mom's side will also be there for the weekend. Plus my sister and her boyfriend. Full house again! :-)

I've actually been keeping my apt pretty clean since my parents left. They helped me take out my many many papers waiting to be taken out to the recycle bin, which helped clean out a few places. I've been keeping up on my dishes and there is currently NO dirty dishes in the sink. ::bows:: "thank you, thank you" I washed my towels on Monday. Yesterday I changed and washed the sheets. Tonight I should really do at least one load of clothes. And I still have to clean up some papers that are waiting to be filed/looked at/thrown out. That and vacuum. I figure with company coming the first weekend in May, and me being gone for the next 2 weekends, I should probably start cleaning up NOW. hehehe... we'll see if I can get this to last... O:-)

Well, that's it for now, back to work!

Current Mood: restless
Current Music: Server Fans

Ok... so a certain person (who shall remain nameless) really needs a better definition of the term "brb". It stands for "BE RIGHT BACK." As in, coming back... makes sense since "BACK" is in the statement. However if you'd really like to get on my nerves, give me the brb on IM and then leave for an hour and then either put up an away message or sign off without even close to an explanation.

So I realize that there are certain circumstances that might cause these occurances to be reasonable. But to have it happen twice... IN A ROW... I think that we're gonna have to have a little talk. It's called common courtesy. Not too hard of a concept, in my opinion, but I stand corrected. grrr.....

Ok... rant over... back to work.

Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia

Let's see... my parents are coming tomorrow so that we can go pick up my piano on Saturday and then go see my cousins' play that night. So I've been cleaning! (miracle, huh? ;-) )

þ - Take out trash
þ - Clean linoleum floors
þ - Dust
þ - Clean bathroom (Sink, mirrors, toilet, bathtub)
¨ - Load/run dishwasher
¨ - Change sheets on bed
¨ - Laundry (clothes, sheets, towels)
¨ - Vacuum

Yeah, the vacuuming might not get done. But hopefully the other 3 will. And the laundry and dishes are a must cuz i'm running out of stuff! (yeah, I'm lazy!) Ah well, I'll take pictures of the piano and show everyone how it looks in its new home!! :-D

Current Mood: accomplished

hmm... I am really in the mood to make out with a guy right now. Which is kind of odd considering I'm sitting at work. Eh, I'm crazy... it's a known fact.

My weekends are officially booked starting April 16th all the way to May 8th. This weekend is my last free weekend for about a month! Want a quick rundown?? Of course you do!

April 16th/17th - Parents & Kevin are coming down Friday night. Are gonna help me move my piano in on Saturday. Then we're going to go to Hamu's play that night.

April 23rd/24th - Maple Fest! So I'm going home for that. My Mom's birthday is the 22nd and Dad's is the 24th, so we'll probably celebrate the birthdays while I'm home, too. Mmmm.... pancakes, can't wait!

April 30th/May 1st - Fred Fest! Yay for a pointless weekend of music and drunkenness!! Oh, and seeing old college friends, too. ;-) So I'm going to Fredonia for that. Will probably take the 29th off and head up that Thursday evening.

May 7th/8th - Got a friend coming to visit. For those that even know what I'm talking about, I'm nervous! It should be an interesting weekend. We'll see how it goes.

Well, that's my next month. I think I've said it before, but I travel too much! :-P Oh well, at least I'll have fun! :-)

Current Mood: flirty

Ok, I just thought that I should inform everyone, that I actually got up at the FIRST RING OF MY ALARM CLOCK!!!!

come on, who's proud of me?? ;-)

Current Mood: hyper

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